My alarm went off and I knew it was time. A sense of dread weighed heavy on me. I knew what I had to do. First it was just to get my feet on the floor and get out of bed. I reluctantly showered and dressed while feeling like it was all just a bad dream. I knew it was not just a bad dream ,it was reality, and it was going to be my first day back to work after 4 months of maternity leave. The last thing to do ,before leaving, was going to be the hardest of all. I had to go and say good bye to my precious little baby boy. I picked up my 4 month old out of his crib and sat in the rocking chair. I rocked him back and forth, nursing him, while all dressed and ready to report back to the job. As I held him in my arms and watched him tears rolled down my cheek. I did not realize how hard it would be to go back to work. When I was in college I never thought I would want to stay home with my kids. I never knew how much my heart would long to be there for every moment with them.
I went back to my 5 day a week, 8am-5pm job. I cried every day all day(or at least it felt that way.) I even let the saddness overwhelm me where it was all I could see and started feeling depressed. My husband did not know what to say or do and this frustrated him. I begin to blame him for my suffering and this was not fair to him. I soon saw there was not going to be a quick fix to my problem. With prayer at my church I felt the heavy saddness and depression lift off me. I was still not happy with my situation, but I did not dwell on it, anymore. The longing of my heart was still to be there for every moment wiht my little one, but I was given a new perspective on things. What does this have to do with Photography? Well it seems to not have much to do with it, but this was the begining of a journey I have been on the last 7 years. I will share ,this journey, in hope that it may help encourage at least 1 person. :)
That first year I started a journal. After advice ,from a women's retreat speaker, to write down your prayer request. I took her advice and also started journaling what I felt God was speaking to me from my daily bible studies/devotions. One of my first entries among others ,was to work from home or part time, doing something I enjoy like photography. I also learned to pray scripture and one scipture I prayed early on was: Lord I give myself to you; my God I trust you. Do not let me be disgraced; Do not let my enemies laugh at me...Lord tell me your ways. Show me how to live. Guide me in your truth and teach me my God, my Savior. Psalm 25:1-5
I cannot say I have gotten everything on my prayer request list, yet! I have grown a lot through this 7 year process and will share how I have gotten to where I am today.
Blessings,
Em
